What others say about you ... By Bishop Paul Marshall

[This is Bishop Paul Marshall’s March 2008 column for secular newspapers, usually 600 words or less and different from his column in Diocesan Life. The column is sent to newspapers throughout our 14 counties. It is published by The Morning Call, Allentown, on the first Saturday of every month. It usually appears also in six or seven additional papers at some point during the month. The combined circulation of papers that publish the column regularly is about 400,000. Some 120 columns have been published over the past eleven years. If your newspaper does not publish the column and you might consider speaking with the editor about that, please email Bill Lewellis.]

You know the rules. Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never play cards with a man named Doc. Never date somebody who has more problems than you do.

There is another rule for peace of mind. Don’t Google yourself. I recently discovered this rule by breaking it.

While it was nice to see that there are some people out in the blogosphere who like what I do and say, it was not so nice to see how many people do not get what I try to communicate or do. It is distressing that there is no way to enter into dialog with pseudonymous posters, no way to point out that they haven’t quite gotten the idea or understood my motives.

A spiritual director once gave this advice to the former presiding bishop of the Episcopal Church: “What other people say about you is none of your business.”

His advice has reached the level of proverb, and one hears it every now and then in a variety of settings.

Not being understood is one of the most frustrating experiences of life. It produces loneliness and anxiety. Perhaps in response to this emotional experience, the writer of Psalm 139 said in language any Net surfer would recognize, “Lord, you have searched me and known me…You know my thoughts.”

The lengthy poem describes what it means to be encased in the love of the God who is, indeed, aware of us and does understand us. Reading that psalm is always a rewarding experience.

The realization that God understands my desires, motives and hopes brings with it the sometimes uncomfortable realization that God understands all of my hopes, desires, motives, including my failings, doubts, and baser moments.

Unlike popular portrayals of Santa Claus, God is not making a list and checking twice in order to reward the nice people and afflict the naughty. In one of the most astounding passages in his letter to the Romans, St. Paul brings us to the point of the season we are now in.

He observes that we can understand someone dying for the sake of a good or valuable person. I would take a bullet for my spouse, and so would you.

Paul goes on to say, however, that it wasn’t because of our neutral or nice qualities that Christ died. Rather God was demonstrating love for us at our very worst.

That is a transforming thought. All the places in me that I hope nobody ever discovers, the things in my life that I most want to forget, are where God most loves me.

Unlike that of the demons and angels of the blogs, God’s knowledge of us is complete. Rather than pouncing when a weak spot is detected, God loves us precisely when the child in us would hide in shame or denial.

What St. Paul called “faith” was the difficult business of letting go of fear, shame, and guilt, and allowing oneself to accept a love so radical that one can, in fact, accept oneself.

For some people, hearing the idea is enough. For most of us, the experience of this acceptance when we feel unlovable is communicated by caring others, sometimes in excruciating moments in small offices..

Depending on how great a role shame played in one’s personal formation, it may be hard to look at all the aspects of one’s life and see how they fit together in one person, a person who is accepted and loved by God and strives to behave accordingly. For some of us, that could in fact be the great gift that Holy Week brings this year.

[The Rt. Rev. Paul V. Marshall is bishop of the Diocese of Bethlehem, 14 counties of eastern and northeastern Pennsylvania. Additional columns and sermons by Bishop Marshall are available at www.diobeth.org.]